Stefan Katz... El Salvador has changed u
This post is on the magic of El Salvador... or better that I understand myself much better now 1.5 months after I left Switzerland.
I realized that I have a certain inconsistency in my argumentation. And those who know me know that I hate inconsistencies. But still I held this one up for a very long time.... Basically this is a very personal post and I was struggling for about two hours now whether I should post it or not. I decided to write it anyway because of two reasons:
1) I would like to tell all the people who had discussions with me on this subject: You were right!!!
2) I would also give some input to those who were disappointed in this area over and over again that there is something more out there. There is not only deception and pain, there is also the possibility that it actually works out just fine.
This post is, how could it be different, about love. And I'm afraid I will sound like a silly guy, and this is something I hate as well, but that's how I see the thing.
First I would like to put together some of the basic principles that guide my life (amongst many, but these are the ones concerning this issue)...
1) You'll never know until you have tried.
2) Fate doesn't exist. It's all about what you do with your life.
3) Things worth fighting for usually prove their worth by fighting back.
When it comes to love, I broke all of those principles. I am not very proficient when it comes to feelings, in fact I don't think I ever felt much for anyone. Whether or not, it doesn't really matter. Feelings are not my strong suit. My history is full of events when I wanted to make things happen, when I wanted to discover that area of life, when I consciously thought that I have to move in a certain direction to make it happen. It never worked. I had people liking me and I got ran away from that. I did everything wrong so far... I definitely have commitment issues, yes, but that's something I can work on...
My theory has been so far that I got nothing left to try. I never felt love for a girl and therefore never will. I protected myself from that by not getting into situations involving girls. I had wonderful conversations because of my views because I have a lot of friends who wanted to convince me that I'm wrong. But I put action behind the word, but for an opportunity guy who seizes opportunities when they come up for whatever is possible, it has been hard not to have these opportunities come up.
Love is just another way for fate to screw us, was my favourite quote. When someone told me that they are going to marry soon, my reply was: "My condolences..." (my views on marriage haven't changed, by the way, but who knows, everything changes apparently...
I wasn't honest with myself. I don't believe in fate. So the quote is bullshit in the first place. And it's not about being delivered to fate. It's about making things happen yourself. If love is a tool for life/fate/whatever to screw us up, it's up to us to make the opposite happen and not get screwed. And if it was only to screw us up, what about the moments of happiness before the break up. What about having someone that you can share everything unconditionally. What about waking up sunday morning and stay in bed just staring to the ceiling breathing in the wonderful scent of the person next to you. If this is a way to screw us up, fate should probably reconsider its methods.
Yeah, but eventually it ends... That's my reply to pepole saying that. But maybe it does, maybe it doesn't... You'll never know until you tried. There are enough examples where love lasted. And even if it didn't, there is something after love called friendship. There doesn't need to be a messy end. It can be beautiful to have a friend that you can still share everything with. Going through this whole process might be painful but, if handled properly, it can add value to all our lives.
I found myself saying in one of these conversations: Yeah, maybe love is a way for fate to screw us, but I'm not willing to give in and let someone else rule my life. I strongly believe that I'm the master of my own fate and I have been teaching that to people all around me. It's just about your approach. My approach is, and has been, with the exception of this particular area of life, optimism. I want to try things because I believe that I can make them happen. There is not one single reason why that shouldn't be possible with love. What if it works out just fine...
With feeling and commitment issues, this might prove particularly hard for me. But God didn't give me these issues to leave me alone and screwed. He wanted me to grow. He wanted me to challenge myself and try and learn. I am not someone who gives up even though I nearly did give up on love. Eventually I'll have my mind blown away and consider flying all across the planet to see one person. There must be someone out there who disregards these flaws and says: Stefan, cut the bullshit... Until that happens, I will remain optimistic and go for it...
I kind of get the feeling that all that mindset was mainly an excuse for not exposing myself. Saying that I got feelings for someone is more or less the most difficult thing for me. Having had this mindset protected me well from that... But that's over now... I'm again in charge of all my life...
The two people I have been talking about hopefully know by now who they are. All I can say is: Thank you... I owe you a coffee...
Cheers
Stefan
I realized that I have a certain inconsistency in my argumentation. And those who know me know that I hate inconsistencies. But still I held this one up for a very long time.... Basically this is a very personal post and I was struggling for about two hours now whether I should post it or not. I decided to write it anyway because of two reasons:
1) I would like to tell all the people who had discussions with me on this subject: You were right!!!
2) I would also give some input to those who were disappointed in this area over and over again that there is something more out there. There is not only deception and pain, there is also the possibility that it actually works out just fine.
This post is, how could it be different, about love. And I'm afraid I will sound like a silly guy, and this is something I hate as well, but that's how I see the thing.
First I would like to put together some of the basic principles that guide my life (amongst many, but these are the ones concerning this issue)...
1) You'll never know until you have tried.
2) Fate doesn't exist. It's all about what you do with your life.
3) Things worth fighting for usually prove their worth by fighting back.
When it comes to love, I broke all of those principles. I am not very proficient when it comes to feelings, in fact I don't think I ever felt much for anyone. Whether or not, it doesn't really matter. Feelings are not my strong suit. My history is full of events when I wanted to make things happen, when I wanted to discover that area of life, when I consciously thought that I have to move in a certain direction to make it happen. It never worked. I had people liking me and I got ran away from that. I did everything wrong so far... I definitely have commitment issues, yes, but that's something I can work on...
My theory has been so far that I got nothing left to try. I never felt love for a girl and therefore never will. I protected myself from that by not getting into situations involving girls. I had wonderful conversations because of my views because I have a lot of friends who wanted to convince me that I'm wrong. But I put action behind the word, but for an opportunity guy who seizes opportunities when they come up for whatever is possible, it has been hard not to have these opportunities come up.
Love is just another way for fate to screw us, was my favourite quote. When someone told me that they are going to marry soon, my reply was: "My condolences..." (my views on marriage haven't changed, by the way, but who knows, everything changes apparently...
I wasn't honest with myself. I don't believe in fate. So the quote is bullshit in the first place. And it's not about being delivered to fate. It's about making things happen yourself. If love is a tool for life/fate/whatever to screw us up, it's up to us to make the opposite happen and not get screwed. And if it was only to screw us up, what about the moments of happiness before the break up. What about having someone that you can share everything unconditionally. What about waking up sunday morning and stay in bed just staring to the ceiling breathing in the wonderful scent of the person next to you. If this is a way to screw us up, fate should probably reconsider its methods.
Yeah, but eventually it ends... That's my reply to pepole saying that. But maybe it does, maybe it doesn't... You'll never know until you tried. There are enough examples where love lasted. And even if it didn't, there is something after love called friendship. There doesn't need to be a messy end. It can be beautiful to have a friend that you can still share everything with. Going through this whole process might be painful but, if handled properly, it can add value to all our lives.
I found myself saying in one of these conversations: Yeah, maybe love is a way for fate to screw us, but I'm not willing to give in and let someone else rule my life. I strongly believe that I'm the master of my own fate and I have been teaching that to people all around me. It's just about your approach. My approach is, and has been, with the exception of this particular area of life, optimism. I want to try things because I believe that I can make them happen. There is not one single reason why that shouldn't be possible with love. What if it works out just fine...
With feeling and commitment issues, this might prove particularly hard for me. But God didn't give me these issues to leave me alone and screwed. He wanted me to grow. He wanted me to challenge myself and try and learn. I am not someone who gives up even though I nearly did give up on love. Eventually I'll have my mind blown away and consider flying all across the planet to see one person. There must be someone out there who disregards these flaws and says: Stefan, cut the bullshit... Until that happens, I will remain optimistic and go for it...
I kind of get the feeling that all that mindset was mainly an excuse for not exposing myself. Saying that I got feelings for someone is more or less the most difficult thing for me. Having had this mindset protected me well from that... But that's over now... I'm again in charge of all my life...
The two people I have been talking about hopefully know by now who they are. All I can say is: Thank you... I owe you a coffee...
Cheers
Stefan
posted by Götz von Berlichingen at
9:48 AM
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